The Ultimate Guide to Hangovers
If you're here because you typed "Hanhover cures" into Google and my blog miraculously showed up, then the SEO is working. But neither do I have cures, nor did I hook up SEO. So we'll all just take what we get. Although beer in mind, it took me years of rigorous training to formulate the perfect method to hit that hangover nail on it's head. Here it is:
1. Say no to water:
Do not attempt to surprise your liver. Your brain and your liver are in a mutual agreement that neither of them are up to any good, so conserve your intervention for the polar bears. Besides, you didn't pay for dilute awesomeness. Cows and water, holy or otherwise, are bad for Vampires and the drinking. Word.
Quick tip: While we're on the subject, you may want to skip food too. You know you're too cool for it.
2. Mix drinks:
Just as there are too many fish in the sea, so too the kinds of alcohol. Explore! Don't know which to pick? Pick them all, and all at once - the more, the merrier. Never settle. Your friends have drinks too - try a bunch of them. That person isn't your friend? Who cares, the ones who drink together stay together. We're all a part of a bigger whole or something like that, right? Ale is well.
3. Drink too much too soon:
Live life on the edge, you little daredevil! Don't limit yourself. You're young, restless and deserve the fast lane. Look at how far you've come, but push harder because perseverance is key. If YOLO was a school of thought, you should want to be the principal. Unless you die because of alcohol poisoning. Details..
4. Respect your high:
You know you're high because you can tell green from red, and yet see no warning sign. You recognize your highness, respect her and demand that everyone call her queen. You're soon going to let the liquid courage send texts, sing songs with high notes and say things you really mean. You're going to say "Next round on me!" and act like a cool celebrity until it slowly starts coming back to you the next morning. Then, you can cringe all you want. It's the new cardio, they say.
Quick test: If you thought the puns were bad, you're not drunk enough.
5. Carry around a plastic bag:
Just incase you projectile your love for last night over the new rug. This is when you start chanting that you're never drinking again. Say it with conviction and pride, because your friends are going to start calling you a liar soon. Let them take videos of you saying it too so they can populate social media with your photogenic claims. Now hold your breath until you become an Instagram star.
Anytime now.
Foreals though, just whip out your sunglasses and deal with it like a gangsta. Or you can drink more and postpone dealing with that stuff for later - you beautiful procrastinator, you!
Dear Dad, future employer or extended family, if you're reading this - any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or events is purely coincidental.
Booze? Wut?
1. Say no to water:
Do not attempt to surprise your liver. Your brain and your liver are in a mutual agreement that neither of them are up to any good, so conserve your intervention for the polar bears. Besides, you didn't pay for dilute awesomeness. Cows and water, holy or otherwise, are bad for Vampires and the drinking. Word.
Quick tip: While we're on the subject, you may want to skip food too. You know you're too cool for it.
2. Mix drinks:
Just as there are too many fish in the sea, so too the kinds of alcohol. Explore! Don't know which to pick? Pick them all, and all at once - the more, the merrier. Never settle. Your friends have drinks too - try a bunch of them. That person isn't your friend? Who cares, the ones who drink together stay together. We're all a part of a bigger whole or something like that, right? Ale is well.
3. Drink too much too soon:
Live life on the edge, you little daredevil! Don't limit yourself. You're young, restless and deserve the fast lane. Look at how far you've come, but push harder because perseverance is key. If YOLO was a school of thought, you should want to be the principal. Unless you die because of alcohol poisoning. Details..
4. Respect your high:
You know you're high because you can tell green from red, and yet see no warning sign. You recognize your highness, respect her and demand that everyone call her queen. You're soon going to let the liquid courage send texts, sing songs with high notes and say things you really mean. You're going to say "Next round on me!" and act like a cool celebrity until it slowly starts coming back to you the next morning. Then, you can cringe all you want. It's the new cardio, they say.
Quick test: If you thought the puns were bad, you're not drunk enough.
5. Carry around a plastic bag:
Just incase you projectile your love for last night over the new rug. This is when you start chanting that you're never drinking again. Say it with conviction and pride, because your friends are going to start calling you a liar soon. Let them take videos of you saying it too so they can populate social media with your photogenic claims. Now hold your breath until you become an Instagram star.
Anytime now.
Foreals though, just whip out your sunglasses and deal with it like a gangsta. Or you can drink more and postpone dealing with that stuff for later - you beautiful procrastinator, you!
Dear Dad, future employer or extended family, if you're reading this - any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or events is purely coincidental.
Booze? Wut?
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