Phone-breaker's manual #1 (Treatment)
Seeing as how I am such a pro at breaking phones, I anointed myself a phone breaker. This is not a laughing matter, no. With a high point at 9 times in a semester, allow me to bestow some well meaning advice in a three part series aptly titled "Phone-breaker's manual". Anecdotes, responses, true-stories and methodologies to follow. Brace yourselves.
Part I - Treatment
Once you have established yourself as a distinguished phone breaker, people will start looking at you differently. There are stages to this too. Let me share:
1. Pity : At about one phone or two, people will look at your shattered phone all sad. With disappointment, they console you, give you the number of a guy who offers discount, and move on from the sad tragedy. Because it could happen to anybody. Right? Wrong. Little do they know, you have grand plans and this is just the beginning.
2. Ridicule : This is when you will hear a lot of "Again?". There must be a hard-core turn of events to get you to breaking your phone about four times in two weeks. They'll call you adorable little names like butter fingers, drunkard, sloppy joe (jk, nobody calls you sloppy joe) and ask to hear stories of how you dropped-it-like-it-was-hot. They'll laugh with you, but mostly at you. But this is when you persevere. Stand tall and get on with it.
3. Reverence : This is when you will hear the phrase "But.. how?" and this time they're bewildered. At six times in one month, you're either mythical or jinxed. They keep their phones away from you for worry you might crack the screen with a mere glance. They estimate the bravery of your soul to tell your friends and family that it has happened once more. Yes, it had a cover and that screen-protector-gorilla-glass-bomb-detonator-thing. Yes, it still broke.
4. Acceptance : The mortals bow. When they look at a phone in your hands, they gleam in disbelief. "How far along?" they ask, as if you're pregnant and wish you congratulations when you say "Twelve days now". They want to pet the phone or call it a poor thing, but they know it's only a matter of time until it gets replaced or taped. They tell themselves not to get too attached. They calculate the sum total of how much you would have spent and discuss it as a matter of polite small-talk. One smart friend would suggest "You could have bought a new phone with that much", and you can respond "I could have covered my education with that much". They'll laugh secretly hoping it was a joke.
You're now an established phone-breaker. Oh but wait, the influence isn't just on you. It is on your friends too. Check back for Part II.
Part I - Treatment
Once you have established yourself as a distinguished phone breaker, people will start looking at you differently. There are stages to this too. Let me share:
1. Pity : At about one phone or two, people will look at your shattered phone all sad. With disappointment, they console you, give you the number of a guy who offers discount, and move on from the sad tragedy. Because it could happen to anybody. Right? Wrong. Little do they know, you have grand plans and this is just the beginning.
2. Ridicule : This is when you will hear a lot of "Again?". There must be a hard-core turn of events to get you to breaking your phone about four times in two weeks. They'll call you adorable little names like butter fingers, drunkard, sloppy joe (jk, nobody calls you sloppy joe) and ask to hear stories of how you dropped-it-like-it-was-hot. They'll laugh with you, but mostly at you. But this is when you persevere. Stand tall and get on with it.
3. Reverence : This is when you will hear the phrase "But.. how?" and this time they're bewildered. At six times in one month, you're either mythical or jinxed. They keep their phones away from you for worry you might crack the screen with a mere glance. They estimate the bravery of your soul to tell your friends and family that it has happened once more. Yes, it had a cover and that screen-protector-gorilla-glass-bomb-detonator-thing. Yes, it still broke.
4. Acceptance : The mortals bow. When they look at a phone in your hands, they gleam in disbelief. "How far along?" they ask, as if you're pregnant and wish you congratulations when you say "Twelve days now". They want to pet the phone or call it a poor thing, but they know it's only a matter of time until it gets replaced or taped. They tell themselves not to get too attached. They calculate the sum total of how much you would have spent and discuss it as a matter of polite small-talk. One smart friend would suggest "You could have bought a new phone with that much", and you can respond "I could have covered my education with that much". They'll laugh secretly hoping it was a joke.
You're now an established phone-breaker. Oh but wait, the influence isn't just on you. It is on your friends too. Check back for Part II.
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